I got chris browned last night
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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