i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
