Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
