if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
