Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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