I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
