Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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