I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
