I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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