my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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