My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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