remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i wish my penis had a tongue
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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