we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
