your parents love me but you hate me
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
