I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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