We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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