We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
