did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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