i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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