Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
