I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I touched a dick in church today
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
