Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
