When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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