he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
