I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
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That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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