I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
