he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
