so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
