did you get engaged???
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
