my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
