i think i have two assholes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
