i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
