we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
