I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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