His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize