Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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