feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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