theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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