I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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