That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
