I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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