we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
