I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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