I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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