why didn't you poke me back
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
