I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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