this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
