A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
