I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
