the day after is always just damage control
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
