If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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