Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
