The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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