I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
