Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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