if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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