Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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