i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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