You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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