im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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