im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
